Hello! My name is Mr. Sensible Kink, or Mr. SK for short. This blog will not focus on erotic or adult encounters, it is not an advice column on how to spice up your sex or BDSM life. It is not a personal ranting stage for my opinions on other's orientation or personal kinks. Rather it is, and will be, a continuing series of articles designed to educate others on how to practice safely so as to ensure the satisfaction and safety of all concerned.
I understand that others may have differing ideas or beliefs, I understand that these things I speak will not cover all possible situations and relations between a Dominant or a Submissive, but I will try to be as broad and general as possible, without being (too) offensive.
Perhaps, you wonder, what makes me think that I am qualified enough to give others advice on how to practice safely. Why it is that I believe I have the required wisdom and knowledge to 'preach'. Simply? Because I have been within this lifestyle for many years, and have been 'raised' within it with the philosophy of 'Safe, Sane, and Consensual'. But, of course, this is a commonly quoted idea and philosophy. But what, exactly, does that mean? What are it's Permutations for each side of the Dom/sub spectrum?
Today's article will deal with the Dominant's side.
Safe, Sane and Consensual seems explanatory enough upon first glance. But it's ideas and meanings have deeper roots than many ever truely appreciate, especially new Submissives. This is not because Submissives are dumb, naive, or in any way inherently inferior, but because many of them are naturally trusting of Dominants, so they believe that they will not be harmed if they place themselves in a Dom's care, believing that no person who claims to be a Dominant would abuse and desecrate the 'gift' that is their submission, their Trust.
Unfortunately, this is not the truth. Not to sound insulting of Doms in general, for I have much respect for True Dominants, but there are many out there male and female alike who are not truely Dominant. They may enjoy the idea of being in control, they may enjoy spanking, dirty talk, collars, giving orders and other such things, but they mistake Dominance for Dictatorship and are often selfish and greedy. Too many 'Doms' believe that a submissive is there for their pleasure and comfort. That a submissive's wants/needs/desires/limits are not their concern, that submissives who are unhappy with them are simply immature/weak/stupid/drama whores.
News Flash to these So-Called-Doms: "With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility." The position of Dominance does not entitle you to do whatever the hell you want to any girl or boy who decides to scene with you. The position of Dominance does not mean that you should automatically be accorded respect and obedience by any 'girl', 'boy', 'sub', 'slave', 'toy', or 'slut'. It does not mean that you are a more Important person than a 'submissive'. At it's very Core, Dominance is Responsibility. The responsibility to make sure those who submit to you are Safe, Content, and Educated. You (and your sub) may get your rocks off by whipping her ass into a bleeding, bruised mass of flesh, but that does not mean that you may do so any time you wish, or that you may inflict the same (or worse) 'abuse' to other parts of her body or her mind.
If, as a Dominant, you continue to think only of yourself and not of the Situation which your submissive is in, you will continue to find your BDSM (and likely vanilla) relationships to be unfulfilling, you will find that others, even Dominants, lack respect for you and your practices, you may even find that you are ostracized from communities, groups, and gatherings of the like-minded. The best Dominants are those who understand that a happy, content submissive is what leads to a fulfilling and steady Relationship.
A submissive who is treated right, whose Hard and Soft limits are respected, who is given understanding that at times Life gets in the way, will come to adore you, you will find that instead of having to berate, insult, and degrade your submissive into pushing their limits for you, they will instead accept conversations on the topics and often be more than willing to venture into unknown territory with you. This does not, of course, mean you should allow your submissive to get away with Too Much, it means you should stop and think for a moment whether the judgement of Extenuating Circumstances is due or not. Correct judgment calls in these situations will earn you adoration and a deeper submission from your 'Sub', 'Slave', 'Bottom', 'Toy', Etc etc etc.
Understand that despite the fact that you both may get off on the idea of, say, needleplay. Does not mean that you are both Ready for it. If you, as the Dominant, are new to needleplay. Take a few hours, days, or weeks even to educate yourself on the subject. Make sure you understand the risks associated with this kink, make sure you know proper safety procedures and discuss what, where, and when you are both comfortable with this play happening. Is it not better to delay, and give as much possibility as possible to creating a pleasant, fulfilling experience.. than rushing ahead and risking injury, dissatisfaction, suffering and a loss of Trust between the two of you?
Soft and Hard Limits are terms that nearly anyone in the community is familiar with, so much so that the very definitions each person holds for Soft Limit or Hard Limit is rarely discussed. There are, of course, common beliefs and guidelines, but that does not mean that Everyone shares these beliefs and guidelines. Some people have varying degrees of Soft and Hard Limits, others have procedures they wish to follow when discussing these things. Always, always discuss with your Submissive what their (and your) Soft and Hard Limits are. Enforce and understand that respecting these limits will enable further Trust to build between the two (or more) of you.
With Respect comes Trust, With Trust comes Exploration, with Exploration comes a deeper Connection. With a Deeper Connection comes Understanding of Oneanother. With Understanding of Oneanother comes greater Contentment, and with Greater Contentment comes Joy, Happiness and Mutual Fulfillment in a BDSM-tinged relationship.
Dominance does not give you a free pass to bastardhood. It lays upon you the shackles of Honor, Justice, Temperance and Forethought. These are heavy weights to carry, but the reward for bearing them up successfully is beyond your wildest dreams.
Signing off for the Night,
Mr. SK.
